Confused, Don’t know if I can help, but I can understand your confusion. To me, it sounds like you are on the precipice of a decision or conclusion about god and/or the church. Like I said, I understand. I became a convert in my early twenties and everything made sense. Studied and worked in the church and became an ordained deacon. I even started a Master program in Christian apologetics and philosophy, which was the beginning of the end of my Christian walk. As I got deeper into the organization, the less anything made sense. The hate and demonizing of fellow Christians much less the outside world made no sense to me. The lying and twisting of Scriptures to meet a person agendas. The elitism and different rules for the leadership. All of this and the pressure to attend and be perfect was messing with my head, much like some of your doubts. The more I tried to stay, the more mental anguish I put myself through.

Once I decided to leave, a great weight was lifted. There was some confusion at first as you have to get used to a new reality, but you are free to do so. You don’t need the added pressure that the church will put on you. You need to take care of your health. You have done nothing wrong.

The fibromyalgia is real. My mother in-law has a mild case along with her post-polio syndrome.

I don’t know if that helped. Sometimes it just good to talk. There are some good people on here.