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All together now

Welcome to part three of the Vanity Certification series! Here we will recap the horrors of kosher and halal certifications. And for your patience with this agonizingly long project, we have a special bonus feature for you at the end!

Problems of both certifications

Now that I’ve addressed ritual slaughter of both religions, read the science regarding the brutal and cruel process here, here, here, here, here, and here. Both religions use the excuse that since the blade is so sharp, the animals bleed out quickly and get light-headed, so they feel nothing. I doubt anyone making this claim would offer themselves up as a sacrifice to tell us how painful the process is.

• The inspections and brutal slaughter must be done by religious individuals, so the process discriminates against disgusting goyim/kuffar for jobs.
• The costs for religious certification are paid by all consumers, not just consumers belonging to those religions.
• Speaking of money, we don’t know where those funds go.
• The unwarranted ego trip of demanding special accommodations and getting them just keeps the delusions of superiority going strong.

Since both religions lack science, neither can explain the ban on pork. Just calling pork “filthy” is a scare tactic, not an explanation. I’d like to take a moment to thank the Christians for ignoring this ban in favor of delicious bacon.

References

Almost all products sold in the US are certified kosher, so it's a waste of time to list them. Even generic store brands are kosher, as they are usually produced by the big name manufacturers.

As for halal, keep in mind some products are considered halal because halal hijacks kosher, even if there is no halal certification stamp. Anything containing alcohol won't be halal though even if it is kosher. Note that most "kosher" foods are considered halal by default as they are good for "the people of the book", though halal is banned for Jews. It seems that sourcing for non-meat products aren't all that important in halal certification. Some Islamic authorities don’t consider kosher to be good for Muslims though.

Funny how the same Almighty can’t decide what is best for which of his favored groups of people.

Here are links to symbols for kosher certification and halal certification so you can check for yourselves.

Kudos

Here is an Australian company who gave up halal certification after the backlash on social media: Fleurieu Milk Company. It cost them a big contract, but they admitted there was no change to their product by removing the certification. That is proof that halal certification adds nothing that isn't already regulated by the government in terms of product quality and safety.

Higher standards

There is nothing in these religious details that can’t be done on a secular level. In all cases, the following certifications have much higher standards for animal treatment and tighter tolerances for contaminants and cross-contamination.

An animal welfare certification organization is Certified Humane. Standards for animal types, care, feeding, health, transportation, stunning, and slaughter are fully outlined in pdf format. They even have iPhone and Android apps to find certified companies. Read more about the apps here.

Animal studies by the Humane Society can be found here.

If anyone has ever run into a vegan, you know how passionate they are about protecting animals in every way. Where pareve doesn’t care about dairy or meat particulates, vegan certification won’t allow it. They may or may not even share facilities with companies who use animal products. See Vegan.org for more info.

Organic certifications are detailed here.

These secular certifications and scientific studies are far superior to religious certifications and “revealed” ideas.

I found this link for a scientific website claiming that kosher and halal are “perceived” to be healthier but the article has been removed. At least I tried to find information that opposes my stance.

Final thoughts

• Both certifications fluff themselves up about high quality but never describe how cruelty to animals and imaginary orders from fairy tale creatures make a better product.
• Neither certification shows how a rabbi or authorized Muslim watching over production of goods makes said goods magically better.
• Not caring about particulate contamination does not constitute higher quality anything.
• Not caring about herbicides, pesticides or bug invasions does not constitute higher quality anything.
• Allowing federal tolerances for rodents, bugs, etc., nullifies the claim of higher quality.
• Neither certification proves that it is superior to secular federal mandates.
• Veterinarians proved that ritual slaughter is cruel and excruciatingly painful.
• It is not discrimination to insist that our food supply be secular, humane, and safe. 
• What is discrimination is demanding that non-Jews and non-Muslims follow the dietary “commandments” of tiny minorities, never mind that those commandments are based on superstition and elitism.
• Rejecting potential employees because they aren’t Jewish or Muslim is also discrimination.
• Non-Jews and non-Muslims pay for these ridiculous certifications.
• This is a secular country and we have to put our laws, including our animal rights laws, above brutal, outdated, debunked, and frankly quite silly religious mandates.
• Kosher pareve is not as “hypoallergenic” or “dairy-free” as they claim, and  could be dangerous to allergy sufferers.
• Religious slaughterhouses have been exposed for abusing live animals.
• Religious slaughterhouses aren't concerned with potential E. coli contamination or diseases not documented by the Torah. Seems the potential for food poisoning is much higher actually.
• We yucky goyim and kuffar need to stop capitulating to religious nonsense.
• Neither religion has a problem insulting, taxing, and subjugating non-believers to further their own causes.
• These certifications violate the First Amendment of the U. S. Constitution.

(We don’t need parallel legal systems either, but that’s another subject.)

I could run a much more honest business by setting up a stand on the sidewalk and charging people to insult them and tell them they're inferior. At least no one would be forced to pay me.

In the end, it seems that our food and other products have been hijacked by tiny minorities to appease their petty little deities, for no other reason than “because my G-d says so”. These minorities are just as capable as anyone else of reading ingredients and should be able to pick and choose for themselves what their imaginary friend would consider kosher or halal. They should be responsible to pray over their own food. Rest assured, no one will die because of safe, secular regulations that don’t cost anyone extra money and don’t discriminate against anyone at all. As far as I can tell, these certifications are for nothing more than an ego trip for minority believers, having entire supplies catered to them specifically, and a racket for the certifying corporations tied to these religions.

Kosher/halal is healthy because god/allah says kosher/halal is healthy… #CircularLogic

BONUS: Mormon garments!

Now what list of money-grubbing church scams would be complete without magical underwear?

Just try to unsee this Photoshop job:

But this isn't nice because God:

Gotta diminish the weird factor somehow I guess. Just compare what were originally rumored to be bulletproof undies to the various types of outerwear of other religions and *poof!* All weird gone!

Food was already taken, so why not underwear with plagiarized masonic symbols? Garments and temple gear must be purchased from the LDS church and its businesses, like Deseret Books. ID and "temple recommend" cards must be shown to buy them. Expert tailors and seamstresses can't just make them for you, in some style that may actually be comfortable and work well with regular clothes. They must be purchased from the church. Apparently they finally got with some of the times and now let you choose from cotton/polyester, cotton, silk, or some unspecified type of mesh. It's a "modern" church with a "living prophet", right?

Slate weighs in on these Super Skivvies:

So not only do you have to buy directly from the racket/corporation oops I mean church, you have to pay your tithing to get a temple recommend so that you can buy the special clothes in the first place. You also have to suffer through the creepy endowment ceremony, another masonic rip-off.  I don't want strangers bathing me, thank you very much.

Since these items are made by the church and are supposed to be sacred, I assume that you have to be a tithe-paying temple-recommend carrying Mormon to work there. Look, discrimination by the church! Do correct me if I'm wrong though.

How to wear them

Ladies, this may come as a shock to you as it did to me, but garments are to be worn UNDER your bra and panties. That's too bad really. You are stuck with ugly and uncomfortable seams tearing at your skin. There are maternity versions as well but they are, at best, inadequate. All of these scorching layers can cause irritations and infections of several types. And to whom do you have to talk about these issues? MEN. Nope, no ladies are allowed in power positions. Be prepared to be asked yearly by MEN if you're wearing them or not. Triple the embarrassment factor if you have to mention any problems caused by your special lingerie to MEN.

The church did a survey on garments some time ago. Here are some of their thoughts. It's anyone's guess if the garments will be updated, since women came up with the ideas for change.

In the political spotlight? Garments don't work well with cleavage-revealing evening gowns? Don't worry. Your husband's political standing and money will shield you from all criticism and temptations for not wearing them. Some women may even cheer you on for not giving into the straightforward slut-shaming of women wearing clothes that don't cover garments.

Men, I don't know if you would wear other boxers in addition to these and I don't want to know. I suspect you have it much easier than the ladies. Though the seams in those jockey shorts look a bit obnoxious...

In the military? No problem, you can order your garments in the special Desert Sand color!

Love the undies but don't care to pay tithing? That's ok, this site is just for you. Don't click if you're easily traumatized.

Temple outfits

These are for the endowment ceremonies and temple weddings.

I'm told by an ex-mormon that green apron thingy is supposed to represent a fig leaf and the innocence of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. Yeah I don't get it either.  I would have assumed that it's a loincloth and that the white stuff wasn't necessary, just like in the garden.

In short (or shall I say, "shorts")

To make this short and simple, the LDS church is a pay-for-play corporation. Buy the silly outfits, pay your 10%, and get your special temple-access cards. You have to pay good money to get the outfits in order to gain any status in this church at all. At least non-mormons aren't forced to buy these things.

Oh, and you can't unsee this either: